Football transfer rumours: Chelsea target James Rodríguez move?

Poor Alexis Sánchez. Not only has he tolerated three seasons of incompetence along with half a season of spooky dog banners, but now he’s had enough, Arsenal have suddenly decided they’re no longer Manchester City’s feeder club. More generally, they refuse to sell to a rival – a rival for what is unclear – and that, of course, is a principle more important than the basic right of a human being to live and work wherever the hell they want. As such, Sánchez may be forced to join Bayern Munich, who actually thrash Arsenal more often than City; just as well they are not in next season’s Champions League.

Meanwhile, in west London moves are also afoot. Presumably because humans have an irresistible urge to ruin nice things, Antonio Conte is keen to introduce James Rodrí­guez to London’s nightlife by way of a contract to play for Chelsea. Though his side’s disciplined, high-energy game is unlikely to suit the Colombian, he is quite famous. This has no doubt endeared him to the football purist and obsessive that is Roman Abramovich, whose childlike enthusiasm for the game is just like that of a little boy, rushing on Sunny D and Gazprom. Anyway, Real Madrid bought Rodrí­guez for £63m, and though he’s spent the last three years doing a lot of nothing, the European champions have decided they’re due a profit on the basis that they want one. So they calculated his worth using a complicated algorithm which, by amazing coincidence, set his price at £70m, the nearest bigger round number. Using a complicated algorithm of his own, Conte has told them to sling it.

Everton in talks to sign Málaga’s Sandro Ramírez and Ajax’s Davy Klaassen
Read more
In other Chelsea news, Diego Costa is prepared to leave Stamford Bridge on loan in order to re-sign for Atlético Madrid in January – once the plucky upstarts have served their romantic transfer ban. And there, he will play with Antoine Griezmann – or Tony Rocky Horror as he’s known in the dressing room – who has signed a contract until 2022, at which point he’ll already have left in 2018.




Back in England, Everton would like to buy Davy Klaassen from Ajax; the Mill has checked Wikipedia and can confirm that his name really is Davy. A potential stumbling block to the deal, though, is that he was last seen languishing among the fluff and ingots gathered at the bottom of Marouane Fellaini’s pocket, so Bill Kenwright has asked Jimmy Lumsden to help locate him before the transfer window eases closed. Should that work out, Ajax will demand a fee of £26m.

Across Stanley Park, Philippe Coutinho has decided that speculation linking him with Barcelona is “complicated”; “I have a contract with my club and it is long,” he said. In all likelihood, this is simply a mistranslation and what he presumably said was: “I have an unbridled love of attention-seeking touchline zaniness and an implacable aversion to solo perambulation.”

Finally, José Mourinho’s bid to buy a centre-forward less good than the ones Manchester United are used to having, and less good than those employed by the many teams better than his, is almost at an end. Just yesterday Álvaro Morata liked a United-related Instagram post – the modern equivalent of posing with some tat from the club shop – and his agent described a move to Old Trafford as “a very interesting option”. Presumably he is less gnomic regarding the money he stands to make from the deal.